I know a woman who approached her thirties without wanting children. Nothing strange with that. But the reason that she didn’t want to ruin her beautiful body seemed astounding. A short period later, we lost contact, and I don’t know if she had any. Some people have children very late in life and only because they are aware of the fact that the biological clock is ticking. They feel that they must; otherwise, there won’t be any. In that case, they may have children because it is something they should have to make their own lives perfect, not because they really want them. It would be best if you had children for the finest purpose and with the strongest will so that you could give the child a good life. The woman I mentioned appears in my memory when I read the following from Sandy Hotchkiss book Why is it always about you?
“Signs of a mother’s narcissism are evident before the child is born in women who may be excessively preoccupied with their own appearance and comfort during pregnancy, who expects others to cater to them, who are unusually distressed with the changes in their bodies, or who are extremely fearful of labour and delivery. Some may be obsessed with having the perfect pregnancy or becoming a perfect mother. In other cases, a narcissistic mother-to-be may be too absorbed in her own life to seek adequate prenatal care or may engage in practices or activities, such as drugs or alcohol use or other risky behaviour, that endanger the fetus. She may show little interest in preparing for the arrival of the child, or conversely, she may be obsessed with having ‘the best of everything’, regardless of her financial circumstances. She may have excessive expectations in regard to gifts from relatives and friends or be more interested in decorating the nursery or assembling the layette than in actually welcoming a child into her life. The narcissistic mother to be maybe either detached from or overly invested in aspects of her pregnancy, but in either case, she is preoccupied with her own experience rather than focusing on the infant who will soon emerge from her body.”
The continuation for this child is not expected to be positive. The mother is obsessed with having a perfect child, which she doesn’t need to be ashamed of. She is trying to create another and more beautiful picture of the child. The actual child isn’t worth as much as her “fantasy child,” Her shortcomings as caretaker (when nobody is looking) will lead to abuse of the child, as everything shall suit her and her own needs. If she gets disappointed with her child, her shame and anger are triggered, which will affect the child in a devastating way.
This may trigger narcissism within the child, as the mother is unlikely to meet his or her needs. If her child makes a mistake, she will not reconcile with her child. Her own mistakes and failures will also affect the child, as she herself is not to blame. The shame will be imprinted in the child’s body. Most likely, the child will not grow up to be a prosperous grown-up. There is a risk that the mother’s narcissistic personality disorder passes over to the next generation.
/ Eva Traff
decreasedisorders.com 