… that her precious and beloved child, her dear boy, would suffer a total lack of self-esteem,
that her child would fail his career,
that her child would turn out to be a very inadequate father and husband,
andthat her son eventually would end his own life…
These are the books which both she and grandfather should have read to avoid it all. If I could travel back in time, to hand them over, I would. If you want some ideas on how to raise healthy children, do not miss them.
Conflicts between parents and their teenagers are sometimes stressful and ”stormy,” but these conflicts rarely leads to a total breakdown in the teenager – parent relationship. Parents are still very important in their adolescents lives as they grow up – important to their development. How the relationship between parent and teenager will develop depends on how the parents behavior towards the teenager is affected by the fact that he or she grows up. Study this following research from Laursen:
Negative development in the relationship teenager – parent:
Young people who experience that the parents change and become strict and forcing when they reach adolescence, turn to friends to a larger extent when they have problems and need advice and support. A compelling and obstructive treatment of a teenager, sets boundaries for and restricts the relationship and the communication between parents and teenager. The teenager responds with indifference, lack of curiosity and other kinds of discouragement. It is clear that conflicts with parents increase in cases where the teenager feels that solidarity and warmth in the family decreases. Some teens really break away from their parents and instead establish other contacts and relationships outside the family. In some cases, it leads to them disappearing completely from their parents both psychologically and emotionally.
Positive development in the relationship teenager – parent:
Children of parents who include their teenager in decisions – make them feel involved – shares more with their parents when they end up in situations where they need help and support. The parents explain, show empathy and warmth, show their interest and commitment, encourage their teenagers to come up with their ideas and are open to a mutual problem solving. They increase and simplify communication with their teenager. Parents who create a good and safe atmosphere in the family make their teenagers feel so safe and secure that he or she dares to take the risk of trying new ideas and perspectives and dares to express new feelings at home. This benefits the teenagers psychological health and identity development.
At the same time, it turns out that a certain degree of control over the teenager is positive for the parent – teen relationship. Parents who set a time for their teenager when to be home and tell them to call in the event of a delay, also turn to their parents to a greater extent when they need support and advice.
There is an imminent risk that individuals with narcissistic traits will not appreciate what I’m writing here. They may feel that I’m pushing them into the corner of shame, a place which for them is worse than hell itself.
However, that is not my final goal. I wish that as many of these individuals as possible can understand that the corner of shame is a dead end, and that they from there can find their way out. It would be nice for them to instead come out to the light where the most of the rest of us are. It would be nice for them to join us.
My narcissistic dad was trapped in the Corner of Shame. He himself didn’t have a clue about it, but he was. Could he have been helped? Could his suicide have been avoided if he had realized that the corner of shame, which he fought so hard to avoid, but without standing a chance, not even had to exist in his life? In our lives as a family? Instead, he left us with no self-confidence, no self-esteem, and no feeling of safety.
If you help your children to flourish when they are little ones, there is a good chance they will bloom for the rest of their lives.
Further,
we can not expect them to flourish if we don’t make an effort.
Eva Traff
The author’s purpose with this book is to help you as a parent to develop strong self-esteem and also inspire your thinking about children´s development in becoming strong, good-hearted, and independent human beings. The book is also connected to modern research, research with the purpose of making the world a better place for children.
”Be the bigger person… Do not sink to the their level…”
Have you heard it too? Surely, there is a meaning to it. When people are tired, sad, annoyed and lack the strength to respond you i a good manner at the moment – be the bigger person for a while. Please be.
”Love me the most when I deserve it the least, because that is when I need it the most”
This is wisdom.
BUT!
And that is an important BUT! When you find yourself in environments where there are also Narcissistic and / or Psychopathic individuals present, this attitude will eventually break you down completely. Constantly trying to be the bigger person towards a person with a personality disorder is extremely toxic.
Learn the difference between healthy and sick, healthy and unhealthy.
Children who grow up in narcissistic homes are at risk of becoming narcissistic themselves. This phenomenon can appear especially if the children are forced to take om blame and are punished for things they cannot help, things they haven’t done or things they cannot influence. ”Nothing will then ever be their fault again,” the often underlying phenomenon to Narcissism. Over time, as these children grow up, this may be devastating to other people in their surroundings.
The children in these families who do not become narcissistic, are at risk of getting caught up in a personality where they constantly undermine themselves. They have learned that it is important to be ”nobody” in order to avoid anger, envy, mockery, or to become diminished and more. The result is that they harm themselves in order to avoid being harmed by others. Let us help out to show these children their true value, provide them with a good self-image before it is too late. Before they hit the ground.
It takes immense courage to talk about the dark side of your life, especially when it is related to one of your parents. However, Eva is not afraid to do so. She believes in sharing knowledge to save hundreds or even thousands of lives. She believes in speaking up and not staying quiet. For this reason, Eva Traff has recently launched two mind-expanding books: Safe Harbour: Building Self-Esteem with Parenting, Love and Understanding, and Narcissism & Psychopathy: A Book About Those Who Never Find True Happiness – and Their Children.
We are living in a tremendous and never ending flow of information, so most likely this will pass your attention. But maybe, maybe you are one of those people who will find a minute to stop and help out spreading an important message.
In the beginning of the´ 80s, a personality disorder was discovered within a young boy in Norway. The experts understood the reasons to his problems, but all together it was decided that he could stay in his home.
Thirty years later sixty-nine people was shot dead, mostly young people, in an event that probably no one in Scandinavia missed. Hundreds of lives were crushed in the wake of it. Now, you may think that a massacre like this is unusual, so this message is going to the wastebasket anyway. You yourself haven’t had any inconveniences from this, it’s not about you really, and you may think that this must be someone else’s problem, not yours.
But when the school bell rings for the children to go home, many children goes home to exactly such an environment which caused this massacre. All of us need to think about the fact that next time it might be our own child or grandchild, or someone else dear to us who gets cheated, abused, raped or murdered. Suddenly, it becomes your problem too, doesn’t it? It’s everybody’s problem. In fact, this is happening randomly all the time, even if it it’s not sixty-nine people at the same time that stops breathing or get crushed in other ways.
When it happens in our own vicinity and our own lives get crushed, we get really, really upset and starts thinking that it would have been good if the perpetrator in an early state of life had received the proper attention and help to redirect his or her development.
The Convention of the rights of the child, is becoming law in an increasing number of countries, but without people’s courage, knowledge and power of action, these children will still be lost. I have repeatedly witnessed flaws regarding children’s safety, and many of them is doomed to stay in a destructive environment. Every instance states that: “Now, we have done all we can,” well aware of the fact that the problems will continue. One by one they fall between chairs. The risk for them developing a personality disorder then increases with every day passing.
When personality disordered parents are involved, everything gets so confusing. The children may, from authorities and also civilians, receive a floating pad, when they in fact need a life raft to save themselves. This is because nobody believes in them telling the truth. We can not provide them with a floating pad in the middle of a storming sea, and then keep our fingers crossed they´’ll be okay, or pretend that we really care. They are living in a home where they may turn out just like their parents, or maybe even worse.
If we only for a second calculate the costs for the society that these, as children neglected people causes, it will be billions. It is legal costs, therapy, treatment regarding Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, physical injuries, sick reports, police operations etc.
Remember, children growing up today are, and will always be our children’s and grandchildren’s fellow human beings. It’s not about my children. It’s not about your children. It’s about our children.
decreasedisorders.com 